Hello My Name Is Flo And I am An Addict

Well that’s a strong phrase I never thought I would say.

It’s a phrase that carries negative connotations because of the harmful vices associated with it. And calls up cliché images of people sitting in a circle on cheap plastic chairs in a dull community hall talking about their immoralities: alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, gambling….I must be a bad person with low morals and all sorts of problems, right?

Before you go too far passing judgement, addiction shouldn’t be a factor in deciding whether the person is immoral and bad. And what if the addiction is more benign than any of the common culprits mentioned above?

Allow me to start again.  Hello, my name is Flo, and I am addicted to being unbored.Doesn’t seem to have the same ring to it does it?  Actually sounds a bit silly, but is it really?

This has been a hot topic on my mind lately as I have a really strong urge to make changes in my life and have been looking for ways to remedy it. As a result, I had a conversation with a friend last weekend regarding my tendencies to get excited with novelty, and my boundless energy to pursue them. We’ve come to the conclusion that its cause is rooted in me being a creative person.  Anything that I feel stifles my creativity I dislike and will try my hardest to prevent from dominating my life.  Mundane and routine tasks would fall into the category I consider boring.  One of my biggest fears is that I’ll be unable to create and express myself. I would purposely throw a spanner in the works just to liven things up a bit should life get too boring.

For example, about a month ago I nearly got my nose pierced.  Although I think they’re cool and look great but my decision to get one wasn’t because I really wanted it.  I realised I was rebelling. Rebelling against what? Well, I’m bored! I had this realisation as I stood outside the tattoo shop taking one last selfie with my virgin nose.  I flaked out in the end, and took myself out for a drink and got my excitement from chatting to strangers instead.

In London my life was always evolving. The city itself doesn’t stay the same too long either, so as a Londoner you adapt with the flow.  I didn’t have to work too hard to find excitement to satiate my thirst for the thrill. And this evolving pattern seemed to have flowed into my work and home life too, having never stayed at either place for longer than 2 years. I’ve moved house 11 times in the past 10 years to be exact.  However, just because its become my status quo, does it mean it’s right for me now?

I crossed the fine line between excitement and exhaustion in London and I burnt out.  When I left nearly a year ago, my life instantly slowed down.  The partying has decreased, I no longer arrive at work hungover 1-2 days a week.  My “black book” of FWB’s is not nearly as extensive as it used to be, and my hours at work are no longer 50+ a week.  In hindsight I don’t miss the intensity of these thrills….these cheap thrills. Let’s face it, it’s very unhealthy and my body is certainly thanking me for the change.  However, what these daily events contributed to was a never ending source of inspiration for stories to retell down at the pub or provided material to write about.  And they gave me stimulation to pick apart, analyse and mull over in my mind giving my brain the exercise I need.

Last weekend, I went clubbing.  It’s been probably about 6 months since I’ve had a night out like this so in my mind I wanted to make the most of it.  I also decided to take someone new out with me. Not my usual #lonewolf vibe, but fancied the company.  It just so happened that the night was full of setbacks and delays and my usual protocol for when this happens is to just keep going until I was satisfied with the level of “fun” I aim for.  “You’re the type to keep chasing the night, aren’t you.” my friend said to me in the Uber from the first club to an afterhours one.  I realise I can be an intense person, however it was interesting hearing it. I’m usually on my own, or with others with similar characteristics so if the judgement was passed, I wouldn’t know.  I suppose he’s right, but is it a bad thing?

One option for change I’ve been researching is making another move out of my current country of residence and into another one. Why? Because I want something different and I’m bored with my daily routine, the 9-5, and the familiarity of my surroundings.  However, with change comes consequence. And I’ve been questioning if my usual drifter ways is the right way this time?  Is this constant shift and nomadic lifestyle really conducive to the kind of stable life with a dashing, intelligent, loving partner, who adores children and listens to every word I say while watching me apply makeup after having mind blowing sex, even after 10 years of marriage – kind of future I’d like to eventually see for myself? I mean those are pretty high expectations, coupled with the fact that I can’t stay in one place long enough to explore that side may be a hindrance.

According to the CAMH website addiction is classified by the four c’s:

  • craving
  • loss of control of amount or frequency of use
  • compulsion to use
  • use despite consequence

(Center for Addiction and Mental Health, visited 11.11.17, http://www.camh.ca)

You could say my need to be unbored ticks all these boxes.  Maybe I do need to share my stories with others who have an addiction to being unbored like me?

I suppose a hobby group is the AA for the conventional people.  In essence they share similar principles:  a place of understanding with like-minded people, providing support to encourage healing through expression.  But instead of healing from immoral activities, its healing people from boredom in a safe environment.

I’m sure there are other less cliche ways than joining a hobby group to overcome my addiction.  A friend suggested I just tighten my belt to cope with this feeling instead of my usual dramatic ways.  For example:

  • Stay in this city long enough and give myself the chance to get used to life and people here.
  • Remain in the 9-5 because it pays the bills and gives me financial security, considering the hardships I experienced in London not long ago.

However does this mean I remain in a career that no longer provides fulfillment?  Will signing up to a proper dating site to assist in finding a “suitable” mate over the age of 25…..no, 30 help?  And when the sex gets boring with said “suitable” mate, I suppose there are ways around it like role play and other polyamorous activities…but like anything, if you do it frequently and long enough it becomes mundane (I would imagine even threesomes eventually falling into that category I consider boring).

In London, a friend of mine decided to move to Athens.  He too fell out of love with his career and life and was in search of his happiness in another city.  For a leaving gift, I drew him a lovely scene of a London neighbourhood and attached a note that ended with,

“….Wherever you end up the in world, I hope you find your happiness seeing beauty in the mundane.”

My message was a simple one about changing your perspective about a situation to find happiness. He ended up returning after 3 months realising London is where he was meant to be.  However what his extended holiday did do, is set him on a new career path.  And as far as I’m aware, he’s seen more success than he’s had previously. How ironic that 2 years on, I’m facing a similar point in my life.

Hand drawn gift for my friend.

Maybe it’s time I listened to my own advice? Maybe bite down and actually try to cope with the boredom and chill for a bit? I get a strange feeling when I think about conforming to the methods the masses do. Like I’m settling for second best, or not living authentically to who I am.  However it is these ways that have gotten me into this predicament in the first place? My thirst for novelty, adventure and all things different leads me to chase a feeling that’s always a bit out of reach.

Or do I go on another journey and re-align myself like he did? I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit in with groups or that others don’t understand the complexity of my mind, desires and need for external stimuli and personal space to do as I please… So why try to conform to a structure that I am not?

I think I have my answer, however I’ll pause for meditation a bit longer.  Right now one thing I know for sure, is that I am addicted to being unbored.

Thanks for reading, much love xxx

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