Me So Horny!

Me so horny, me love you long time. You party?

Yes readers that was the first line to grace my Tinder profile. Not the most romantic of opening lines, but what’s love got to do with it? With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I’m sure love is the subject on everyone’s mind.  Single, married or in a relationship whatever your status Valentine’s Day is thrust upon us (no pun intended).  The shops fill with garish pink and red crap adorned with love hearts, all there for you to purchase for your sweetheart to show them how much they mean to you on this bullshit holiday.  I sound rather bitter, however I assure you I’m not.  I’m just contemplative.  I’ve been single for nearly 3 years now, please guys, I’ll not have any looks of pity from any of you I’m actually happy where I am at the moment (nervous laugh). I was a serial monogamist for nearly half of my life and I didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere. I wanted to break free from the cycle and it was Tinder that was the catalyst to help me find a new form of freedom and expression.

After my ode to the film Full Metal Jacket, in the paragraph below I proceeded to describe standard information about myself ie. profession, culture and other dry information you’d find on any online dating profile. I chose the most oriental looking photo of myself to drive home the irony of the first line as the lead image, at least one body shot taken in front of a full length mirror, a few more smiling selfies solo or with friends and away I went.  I ensured the pics were taken within the last year to avoid comments like, “If you don’t look like your photo, you’ll be buying drinks till you do”.  Anyone who has tried any of the many online dating apps know this is all standard procedure.  You try to portray yourself at your best. As if to say, “Hey like me, I’m attractive and normal”.  My tactic to stand out from the thousands of smiling ladies to be swiped through was my opening line.  Yes, in the film it was a Vietnamese prostitute trying to solicit her services to a pair of U.S. Marines during the Vietnam War, but that was the irony of my profile being a woman of Asian descent myself.  Someone who had the intellect to understand this provided a great start for a connection.

I do think, however, some men expected me to be that cliché Asian woman.  You know, obedient, shy, demure, ultra-feminine, petite with a slight frame… well some things they were right about.  I do look young for my age and I haven’t got a wizards sleeve for a vagina.  But I’m far from demure and obedient, and my “slight frame” has an ass on it that looks like it should be bouncing around a rap video.

My intention here was simple, get a reaction, give an indication of my clever wit and obviously show off my looks. It is a shallow dating app after all, and I was after dates.  I saw some of the profiles many girls put up and found it very prescriptive, a list of what their idea of what their ideal man should be followed by a list of what they shouldn’t be.  There was a lot of:

“No weirdos”

“No stalkers”

“No arseholes”

As if any of these types would actually admit to having any one of those qualities. “Oh I’d better not swipe right, I’m a weirdo” I’m sure is what runs through the users minds.   I just felt those types of profiles were too contrived – not my vibe.   Of course, I did get some bone heads who didn’t read past the first line and understand the satire of my bio but I can’t say my expectations for finding a life partner on there was very high.

I began my bout as Tinderella with the intention of trying out the online dating world after recently coming out of a long term relationship. We split for many reasons, but the straw that broke the camel’s back for us was when I found his profile on an online dating website on his laptop one day. Needless to say I was going through some massive life changes as a result, coupled with a job that was quite stressful, things were turbulent and I was eager for the distraction. For me, meeting other men to satisfy my curiosity about Tinder and see what the fuss was all about was my ticket.

Being the passionate person I am, I jumped in.  Bear in mind this was London, a city of approximately 8.6 million inhabitants with an ever changing range of people so anything has the potential to be quite full on.  It didn’t take long for me to have a full dance card, and met with all sorts.  Mr. Rolls Royce, the Gay Electrician, Single Bed Guy, the really hot submissive with sexual identity issues who I fondly call “Big Black Dildo”, Silver Fox personal trainer, East London personal trainer, the Too Much Information personal trainer – yes, I admit it was definitely a shallow phase where I was dazzled by abs that looked like I could do my washing on.  I had a few WhatsApp chats going at the same time and a few dates a week – at one point I went as far as having 3 in a day! I was possessed like a dog in heat.  Tinder matches were entered in my phone with the T beside their names and when I would pass my phone to a friend to show them an interesting picture of something, I’d do so with a warning “Don’t swipe!” For fears they would swipe to a photo of a dick pic gifted to me by my suitors.  I had so many dick pics in my phone that one would think I was Florentino with a Grindr account.  It was a wild time and although my intentions were shallow, it turned into a chance to meet all types of people and come out of each experience with a story.

Many friends were worried for me or pitied me and my escapades. I constantly heard words of warnings from friends and I always knew what was coming when people close to me would pull me aside “to have a quiet word”.  I know they were just expressing their concern for me out of love. However what they didn’t know is that I needed this.  I felt like I didn’t know myself outside of a relationship and I was also really fucking tired of being stressed out about all the shit happening with work and life. I wanted to be a bit reckless and carefree for a moment and fully immerse myself in London single life.  I did feel I swiped away the connection with myself and I did feel as if I did go off the rails momentarily.  But in hindsight, I now question if letting go of control sometimes is such a bad thing? Confusion and feeling lost is a natural feeling whenever one enters uncharted territory and I was going through my own sexual revolution. I met so many different types of people and apart from the excitement of feeling desired, which I now accept is a completely natural feeling too. I actually looked forward to meeting people and hearing their stories as well as seeing the weirdness the world has to offer.

Like the guys who kiss with their eyes open – weird. Or the ones who shove their tongue down your throat thinking that’s enjoyable – weird. I’ve even been Catfished once.  No one enjoys being deceived, but it makes you wonder what would make the person doing the catfishing do this in the first place? I once went on a date with a guy who talked and talked about all the naughty things he wanted to do to me.  When it came down to it, he ended up being the three-thrust wonder in the most basic of positions, missionary, and that was the end of it.  I don’t know what I was expecting from a man who had towels for display in his bathroom – weird!

Speaking of deceit,  I went on a date with a guy who looked nothing like his picture…well if you looked closely from a specific angle, blurred your eyes a bit and stuck a beanie on him you could see the resemblance.  We decided to meet outside the tube station, and he’d seen me first (no kidding haha) and made eye contact, so I had no chance to properly react.  At this point I felt cheated, so wasn’t that keen on the date anymore but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Turned out his conversation wasn’t any better and I stared at the wall in front of me whilst he talked about himself.  I polished off an entire pint as if it was a shooter and then made my excuses.  Walking to and from the date and having the drink lasted 30 mins tops. I think I’ve made my point about the importance of looking like the pictures you post.

Not all of them were cringe worthy. Some of them was just a chance to get out and have a drink and chat. No kiss, no chemistry. Full stop.

There were some I fondly remember. I once met a date outside Buckingham Palace the morning of New Year’s Eve.  We walked through Green Park and Mayfair then stopped for coffee.  We chatted and got to know one another whilst doing a bit of window shopping on Oxford Street and House of Fraser, then had a quick bite for lunch.  That wasn’t your typical alcohol fuelled date like many of them tend to be. The kiss at the end of the date felt relaxed and nice. The kiss is usually the thing that seals the deal, and if there’s chemistry there. It’s on for at least another date.

Have you ever met someone who you can literally feel the electricity of your chemistry between you?    After a very intriguing date with a very intriguing musician. We stood outside of a café next to Trafalgar square on a bank holiday Monday in May to say goodbye.  He swooped down to kiss me, had one hand in my hair and the other on my ass.  The wind blew my long coat creating billows around my knees and tourists filled the streets around us.  It was the kind of kiss that looked as if it was out of a film. The shaky legs, light headed kind you’d like to last forever. Oh how I was infatuated with this elusive musician, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I sound like such a romantic telling you this story, but unrequited love is what philosophers and storytellers muse about time and time again as it is an infinite theme that exists in us all.

My experiences may seem to be a bit of a mine field of unpredictable encounters of the good, the bad and the ugly. I’ve had conversations with many men and women alike who said they’ve had a nightmare experience on the app, and I’m not denying that it can sometimes feel like you’re playing with fire. But I think there’s a lot to be said about expectations. If you understand what your expectations are from the start then you’re less likely to feel disappointment.  Mate selection is a serious lifelong contract to consider. And many don’t know enough about themselves to understand what they like or don’t like.  For me, I see the value in spending time getting to know what is out there, and getting to know oneself.

So what does this mean for me now?  Well I’ve retired my account well over a year ago shortly after I got ill.  That was my existential moment and swiping potential love matches seemed to pale in comparison to the other more important issues I was dealing with at the time. The revolving door of it all became too superficial and I eventually grew tired of it. I certainly don’t regret this period in my life. And actually am happy to have experienced it as it’s given me the chance to feel freedom and strength through my sexuality. A few of the men I’ve met online I even like to call friends now. I had a lot of fun and it’s helped me gain confidence in that area, which I deem empowering.  The app had a bad reputation back then, I can’t imagine what it’s like now with the speed technology has.  However if you look at it for what it’s intended to be and go in with an open mind, a sense of adventure and some common sense it can be great.  Anyone looking for a match made in heaven or long term relationship material could be set up for disappointment. However, you’d be surprised with what you can learn about people, modern dating and most importantly yourself.

These days I prefer to meet people in real life and I choose to rely on face to face encounters.  For the moment, I feel there is much to be learned about someone upon speaking to them in person such as voice tone, body language and other subconscious mating cues we’ve developed over thousands of years of evolution, all at risk of being lost in the mix of technology we’re constantly inundated with. Though it’s clear with the presence of these dating apps and websites, the modern dating world has changed.  They do their job with connecting us with a broader range of people, theoretically increasing our chances of mate matching.  Although I question this correlation in fact does work to our advantage, or does it just add to our epidemic of a throw away culture and leave us with grass is always greener syndrome?

I will leave you with that thought and wish you the best this Valentine’s Day, whatever your views are. Thank you for reading.

Much Love xxx

 

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