Diary of a Restless Rebel – 15 November 2019

(5 min read)

The other day my housemate told me of a visit from her deceased father as she napped on the sofa.  I suppose to many westerners, this is a strange situation.  I get it, I’ve lived a lot of my adult life as a “freethinking heathen” away from the traditions and beliefs of my ethnic heritage.  However, I grew up in a house with Filipino immigrant parents.  So it wasn’t all THAT bizarre as I remembered how the Filipino culture has very strong beliefs in a parallel spirit world.  And I got thinking about my own experience with visitations from my own father.

This December marks 13 years since my dad passed away.  It was a very snowy day, making driving extremely dangerous….  It came as a great shock when we received the news, and according to a psychic medium I visited once, he was just as shocked to find himself on the other side.   Dad and I never particularly had the greatest of relationships, on the other hand it wasn’t terrible either.  He was a man of few words, making his actions definitely louder.   As a child when my sisters and I were causing a bit of trouble, and his heavy leather Chinelas slipped off his foot into his hand.  We all knew he wasn’t messing around when he raised his arm!  In the absence of words and affection, my dad was a master provider and he held his duties to the family in high regard.  As part of his fatherly duties, he was always available to drive me to where I needed to go.

Mom would always talk about my dads visits to her in the human world.  But he’s never visited me this way.  He has come to me in my dreams, however.  And it wasn’t a surprise when he visited as he was in life: the driver in the car and I was the passenger.  According to one expert with the supernatural, there are three main ways to decipher the difference with a visitation and a regular dream.

Visitation dreams:

  • Make you feel good and comforted.
  • Often involve divine light or hyperreality.
  • Involve a direct address or message from your loved one.

(Meder, Amanda. “Visitation Dreams: How You Know For Sure.” Amanda Linette Meder. Amanda Linette Meder, 28 Jan. 2014. Web.)

When I look back to his visits, it was during difficult phases in my life.  I’d be feeling emotionally depleted and completing some painful life lessons.  During one particularly challenging time a few years ago, he visited up to once a week for about a month.  Until that point, I’d been carrying around guilt about our relationship.  Because I didn’t feel right about how it was left, and at the time of his death I didn’t quite understand his expressions of love through action and not words – this was something I only realised as I got older.  Growing up, I was often envious of friends who had close relationships with their parents. And I’d always wondered if I lived up to his standards. Adding insult to injury the last interaction I had with him in the human world, I had gotten annoyed that I was late for work when he was only trying to fix the car so I would get there safely. For these reasons, I decided I would try to speak to him if he visited again.  When the night came, I turned to him in the car and I told him something I never said to him in real life, “I love you Dad”.  And like you would imagine when seeing a heavenly being, behind him was that divine light.  He had a very bright golden sunburst behind him that seemed to radiate from a point far away. Somehow saying those words helped release a lot of the negativity, guilt and confusion burdening me.

So what does this all mean?  Well, I didn’t intend on making a convincing statement about how “the divine works miracles” in our lives, that’s not really my vibe.  I’ve realised that as I learn to live life on my own terms, people, places and old ways fall away.  This process of transformation is often very uncomfortable.  And its normal loneliness hits because all we’ve known becomes foreign.  As peculiar as it may sound, having visits from my father during difficult times really had provided a sense of comfort and its allowed me to forgive, moving me forward on my journey.

P.S. Yes, I moved house again.  I guess old nomadic ways die hard.  But I wanted to tell you, this new place I moved into has its own ghosts as I briefly mentioned at the start.   But I’ll tell that story next time.

With Love, Flo xx


Diary of a Restless Rebel – 13 May 2019

It was Mother’s Day in North America yesterday and while most were out celebrating this day with their mother. Someone very close to me hasn’t been on speaking terms with his.  Normally they have quite a close relationship so this felt like a bit of a blow to him and as a result, it was a difficult day.

This reminded me of how the dynamic of a mother child relationship can be idealised and skewed.  While many are blessed to have a great relationship with their parents, some don’t, or it like others, it goes up and down depending on circumstance. This romanticized perspective is only encouraged by the advertised images of flowers, spa days and brunches in pastel dresses. Continue reading

Diary of a Restless Rebel – 5th March 2019

I’m preparing to visit family in my hometown next month.  It’s actually a great little city and has really grown in the last decade however I’ve never liked the place much, and always felt like it was a bit of a fishbowl. I’ve also had some pretty horrible experiences as a kid in school with bullying, and never quite felt like I fit in.

Primary school had its moments, but middle school was the worst.  A group of core girls really hated me, they jumped me after school one time, and got some other asshole boys to vandalise the garage at home with graffiti and eggs, they spread nasty rumours and Continue reading

Diary of a Restless Rebel – 19 February 2019

At the start of this month I moved to a new place of residence, again.  Yes I can’t seem to stay in one place for too long.  But I left a shitty situation at the last place, my landlords/ housemates were illicitly renting out a room in their home where they are part of a system designed to help low income families. Yep, subsidised housing made possible with our tax dollars. On the surface everything looked fine and the woman was pleasant during the hour long room viewing.  I only found out after I had already moved in.  And unfortunately, the stereotype for impoverished households rings true for this couple. Addictions, laziness and disregard for social and economic rules plagued the home.  The man slipped in and out of alcoholism as quickly as he started and ended employment in the trades.  His wife had her own problems, the painkillers she was taking for various ailments had her in bed all day and unable to work, she actually admitted one day she wasn’t cut for the 9-5… Continue reading

Diary of a Restless Rebel – 5th February 2019

I started watching a TV program on Netflix yesterday about a woman who wakes to re-live her 36th birthday over and over again after she dies an untimely death.  A “glitch” in time is giving her another chance to make her life right and it had me thinking about my own life.

This morning I woke up to my own birthday and I identify metaphorically to the concept that every year we’re given another chance by the universe to set our lives right, with a restart or beginning of a new cycle.  It all sounds about right? We’re on a journey thinking we’ve completed it only to begin another.  But in reality we have never really finished the first.  A friend pointed this out to me the other week as we caught up about all that was so-called “new” in our lives. “Flo, you’re still on the same fucking journey you were on 3 years ago when we were living in London.”  Well he was right, turns out my journey is still the same, but my environment has changed, adding new challenges and insights. Continue reading


Day in the Life #34


Day in the Life #33